I am currently waiting former VP Dick Cheney’s “results” from the Beer trials. He is using “enhanced taste testing methods” to ensure that it is safe to drink beer in the shower. Once he emerges from his crypt/bunker, I’ll be able to finish the post.

Nothing Better than a Beer in the Shower

If we look back to all of inventions that humanity has created over the ages, two will head and shoulders above the rest. They are not the transistor, the wheel or the QWERTY keyboard. They are more important than fire or stone tools. The combustion engine, splitting the atom and algebra cannot compare to the simple glory of Beer and the Shower.

Humanity invented fire to brew beer. Shortly thereafter, humanity dreamed of standing the shower, cleansing themselves of soot, dirt and mammoth blood. Check out the Caves of Lascaux–its all documented there.

I came to this realization relatively late in life, while studying at Beloit College. One friend, who is now studying to be an architect, introduced us to the concept back in 1996. He was not the first in the world–that honor goes to Arthur Guinness–but he did introduce to us all the concept of showering and drinking beer at the same time.

This concept is genius. The relaxation induced by the shower and the beer allow for a transcendent state of being that brings one closer to the divine. It is a little known fact that Einstien developed his theory of general relativity while enjoying a glass of Pilsner in the shower. Marconi came up with the basis of his idea for radio transmission while enjoying Peroni in the shower.

Moore’s Law was conceived of while Moore was in the shower with a six pack of Schlitz.

Marie Curie discovered the properities of radium while she showered and enjoyed a Grolsch lager.

The list goes on and on.

This transcendent process is not as easy as it appears to be. Not only must the shower have the appropriate accoutrement for beer drinking, the beer must be appropriately chosen to match the showerer’s palate as well as accommodate the hygiene products that the showerer prefers.

It is uncouth to have a Hefeweizen with mango shampoo.

One cannot simply crack open an aluminum can and enter the shower willy-nilly. While we must credit Arthur Guinness with this discovery, it is also his fault for its obscurity. While showering with his beverage of choice in hand, Arthur did not think of how the water would ruin the taste of his delicious brew. His mistake set back Shower-Beer technology dozens of years.

To truly enjoy this process, one must choose their shower, their beer and their soaps with precision. This is my task for this week–to educate the masses on one of the most powerful developments in the history of the human race.

Tomorrow we will discuss the shower (what it needs, what to avoid ,etc ) itself. However, the floor is now open to any and all of your questions.

Ask a Bastard: Late Late Edition

I hope everyone enjoyed whatever weekend they had. Now, onto life’s big questions!

MenD asks:
1) As a trainee pretentious bastard, what should I be drinking in public to cultivate my image? Obscure microbrews? Anti-anti-anti-ironic “lite” beers? Mongolian barleywine?

To be truly pretentious, one needs the appropriate beverage. However, keep in mind that one can be pretentious on the cheap. As wonderful as it would be to drink Mongolian Barleywine (a friend in Boston calls that Sam Adams), it might break your bank. Therefore, I would stick with Microbrews. Microbrews are fantastic for local economies and your image. Find one you can enjoy and find a bunch you want to try in front of people you can impress.

Lite beers are for private times such as deep cleanings, the shower or just before bed.

2) I am seriously considering a pilgrimage to the Dogfish Head brewery in Delaware in the next couple of years. You in?

Hell. Yes.

Kristin asks: Why do directors,writers,producer etc., INSIST on remaking horror movies and/or classic 80’s movies?

Are they lazy or just have no imagination?

People have been remaking stories forever (Pygmalion for instance), but this recent crop of 80s relaunches (I’m thinking of the new Friday 13 and the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street) are particularly onerous given how the just seem to be so fucking terrible.

I believe the following: They’re out of money, they want to make more money, they’re lazy and they have no imagination.

Now I do think it is possible to update or reimage something from a previous era into something contemporary and fucking brilliant (see BSG). But that takes work, imagination and willingness to say “this aspect of the old series worked but how can it exist today?” Studio’s don’t want that. Studios want Big Bangs for Small Bucks. They already own the rights to the old versions, so it is cheaper to relaunch things this way.

Shannon wants to know: Who has the best blog out today??

This is. One of the authors is brilliant and hot.

That’s all for this week! Tune in next week when I get critiqued by my cousin for commenting on Dylan’s voice!