Ask A Bastard: Not Completely Fictious


Welcome, dear readers, to another installment of Ask A Bastard. Today we have three questions.

The Lovely Shannon ask, “What the hell is WTT:RP? How are you going to balance between two blogs?”

WTT:RP is a group blog about my primary hobby these days: World of Warcraft. I will balance this other blog project by working on OPB first and relying on my co-authors to help ensure one post per weekday. Also, I’m participating in the “build a better blog project.” Given that this project is about blogging, and OPB is my primary blog, all of my blogging assignments will start here.

I also plan on increasing my coffee intake.

Lauren, from WTT:RP AND  Something French Sounding
Dear Bastard: Where did my motivation go? How can I get it back?
PS, how many vacuumed cats equal one hour of productivity?

Lauren your motivation has fled to the steppes of Mongolia, to wander with the wild ponies and the famed horse riding conquerors of Asia and Eastern Europe. Sadly, your motivation will not comeback until you have reframed your life to one of War and Conquest. This means the following:

  • You will need to make Paperclip Bows and Arrows
  • You need a fuzzy hat
  • You need to get a My Little Pony Action figure

Now, take your to do list and rewrite at is: “Things I will Conquer Today.” Once you have completed ten items, you may refer to yourself as Khan. You must complete these tasks wearing the fuzzy hat. Anyone who impedes your conquest must be eliminated with your bow. When you need to make a get away, throw the pony at them. Also, don’t be afraid to scale walls. If any of your coworkers disagree with your practices, enslave them.

As for the Cat Vacuum, the ultimate in measuring slacker-productivity, I think 1/4 of a cat equals one hour of real productivity. 1/2 of that 1/4 (so 1/8) is finding a good vacuum. The other 1/8 is catching said cat to vacuum. The rest of that first hour (3/4) is making sure the cat is placated. The cat must be constantly placated to ensure vacuuming can continue. Cat Vacuuming is difficult work.

LazyJade, from Rapture and WTT:RP asks:
“What’s the difference between Chicago Marty and Three Lakes Marty.”

Chicago Marty is wired into the world with an iPhone, laptop and a half dozen different applications running in the background. Chicago Marty attempts to juggle all sorts of projects: Personal, professional and hobby related. Chicago Marty struggles to keep his temper in check and shouts too much when he drives. Biologically speaking, Chicago Marty’s blood pressure is about twenty points higher than Three Lakes Marty.

Three Lakes Marty is calmer and more willing to cook than Chicago Marty. Three Lakes Marty hates phones and will only use an iPod for music. Three Lakes Marty also hates Jet Skis and is willing to entertain terrible ideas to get rid of them.

Three Lakes marty is concerned with tradition and will often pray to the Yaqui Gods Of Wisdom for guidance.

Three lakes Marty is also 50% more like to be hung over than Chicago Marty.

(Chicago Marty is frequently jealous of Three Lakes Marty)

That is all for this edition of Ask a Bastard. Ask more questions and I’ll invent more answers.

Ask A Bastard: Vonnie Edition 2


Vonnie asked the following questions.

Dear Ask A Bastard –
I feel like I might die without my computer. Will I die without my computer? How can I make Best Buy expedite my computer repair? Also, why didn’t you call me to go for sushi? I would totally have done that…..

Dearest Vonnie:
You are experiencing withdrawal. It is worse than death. When the shakes begin, I recommend treating them with strong German beer. You probably have no problem getting strong German beer.

As for making Best Buy hurry up the repair, there is one way to do that. Call them every day. Talk to supervisors. Discuss how they’ve promised to have things done sooner, how they’ve been uncooperative. Also, demand that you get back ups and that they keep you updated.

To your final point: On Saturday, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to eat sushi, play WoW and work on a short story. I was a crank bastard.

Any additional questions?

Ask a Bastard: Tricycle of Awesome Edition


In this edition of Ask a Bastard, we are going to delve into 1/3 of the Tricycle of Awesome. VONNIE. Ask the questions you want to know about VON, and I will provide you entirely factual, well researched, answers.

If you want to know about the Tricycle Of Awesome, ask Shannon. Yesterday, on the way home from the parade, she declared it would be a feature of her blog–so pester her to make sure she follows through.

Ask A Bastard: Fabricated Edition


Another Monday, another series of (fabricated) questions.

Friend and WoW Blogger Anna asks, “What is the greatest cover song of all time?”

Funny, I was just thinking of this question, given the new album, War Child Heroes. This is an album of war protest songs,wherein the original artists hand select the band to do the cover. If you watched the Oscars last night, you would have heard Beck‘s cover of Leopard-Skin Pill-Box hat, originally by Dylan. This is an album I think I need to pick up.

My favorite cover is still Since U Been Gone by Ted Leo. I love the original but I can rock out to the cover 24/7.

Nathan Godfrey, from Shapes without Substance, asks, “Which is better: Sherbert, sorbet, ice cream or frozen yogurt?”

Personally, I’d go with a Tiramisu Gelato. However, since I don’t live in Atlanta, I’d have to go with Cherry Garcia ICE CREAM from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s wonderful.

Tune in next week when I answer of the questions you never thought to ask.

Ask a Bastard: Late Late Edition

I hope everyone enjoyed whatever weekend they had. Now, onto life’s big questions!

MenD asks:
1) As a trainee pretentious bastard, what should I be drinking in public to cultivate my image? Obscure microbrews? Anti-anti-anti-ironic “lite” beers? Mongolian barleywine?

To be truly pretentious, one needs the appropriate beverage. However, keep in mind that one can be pretentious on the cheap. As wonderful as it would be to drink Mongolian Barleywine (a friend in Boston calls that Sam Adams), it might break your bank. Therefore, I would stick with Microbrews. Microbrews are fantastic for local economies and your image. Find one you can enjoy and find a bunch you want to try in front of people you can impress.

Lite beers are for private times such as deep cleanings, the shower or just before bed.

2) I am seriously considering a pilgrimage to the Dogfish Head brewery in Delaware in the next couple of years. You in?

Hell. Yes.

Kristin asks: Why do directors,writers,producer etc., INSIST on remaking horror movies and/or classic 80’s movies?

Are they lazy or just have no imagination?

People have been remaking stories forever (Pygmalion for instance), but this recent crop of 80s relaunches (I’m thinking of the new Friday 13 and the upcoming Nightmare on Elm Street) are particularly onerous given how the just seem to be so fucking terrible.

I believe the following: They’re out of money, they want to make more money, they’re lazy and they have no imagination.

Now I do think it is possible to update or reimage something from a previous era into something contemporary and fucking brilliant (see BSG). But that takes work, imagination and willingness to say “this aspect of the old series worked but how can it exist today?” Studio’s don’t want that. Studios want Big Bangs for Small Bucks. They already own the rights to the old versions, so it is cheaper to relaunch things this way.

Shannon wants to know: Who has the best blog out today??

This is. One of the authors is brilliant and hot.

That’s all for this week! Tune in next week when I get critiqued by my cousin for commenting on Dylan’s voice!

Ask a Bastard: Zombie War Edition


Last week, Kristin asked:
Is it possible for zombie dogs to exist?

The unthinking, uncaring and lame answer would be NO. I believe that I am a thinker, I do care and I try not to be lame…so this question gets a better answer.

To the best of my understanding, in traditional Zombie Realities, animals do not become zombies. I believe in some specific stories, animals maybe vectors for zombism (I seem to remember mosquito passing it on in some story. The XBox game Dead Rising used wasps as the zombie vector). These examples appear to be the exception, not the rule.

I believe that The Resident Evil series is the Zombie Reality that made the modern the Zombie Dog. Of course, there are the evil undead pets from Stephen King’s Pet Semetery, but I’m not convinced those are actually zombies. Just because a dead thing comes back to life does not mean that said dead thing is a zombie.

There has been a bunch of research on reanimated dogs, specifically for cryogenics, but those aren’t zombies. These reanimated dogs did not appear to crave brains or survive all sorts of trauma (save head trauma). They were just regular dogs brought back to a true living state.

Personally, I think a traditional zombie setting (slow moving, spread through bites and fluid) ala World War Z would not allow for zombie dogs. This is the setting I prefer. I prefer ZombieApocolypse to ZombieScienceRunAmok.

That being said, given the changing definition of Zombie (the fast Zombie being a newer mutation) I think it is POSSIBLE to have a zombie dog. A zombie dog, specifically watching a living dog turn to a zombie dog, could be an incredibly sad and powerful moment (Seriously, who wasn’t upset at that part in I Am Legend?) but for the most part, I think it tends towards kitsch and, “look, we’re a different kind of Zombie flick!”

TLDR version:
I prefer Zombie Realities where there are no zombie animals, however, some Zombie realities do allow for Zombie dogs. I think they can be done well but most times, they are not (Resident Evil being a huge exception).

This answer, however, needs more clarification. I Want my nerd brothers and sisters to weigh on on this. So, I open the floor to discussion: Zombie Dogs?

Ask a Bastard: First Answer of the New Year


Jack, who no longer blogs because, “it’s weird,” asked the following two questions:

AAB: Does history repeat itself?
Obviously, specific events don’t repeat themselves. However there are certain historic trends that repeated throughout the world. Napoleon’s winter campaign in Russia was paralleled by Hitler’s campaign in the Soviet Union. Our own “War on Terror” has borrowed the same (and least effective) methods of prosecution used by other governments (I’m thinking the UK in dealing with the Irish Question, Israel’s methods of addressing Palestinians).

I believe this occurs outside of the military and political spheres. Speculation and leverage are both considered to be factors in the Great Depression and in today’s economic problems (and both have been overseen by ineffective presidents). On a more personal level, I do believe that people without enough insight are more than likely prone to repeat their mistakes. Hell, even well adjusted people with good insight tend towards repeating mistakes–continuous procrastination, poor eating habits, always dating the wrong person– which leads to a repeat of personal history.

There are certainly elements of history that repeat themselves. The key is learning from history, including personal history.

AAB2: Can you believe how cold it is outside?
Holy crap, NO! Seriously, it’s frigid outside! It’s a balmy 25 right now! Last week, it was -30 with windchill. Fuck this crap. I’m staying indoors.