Careful what you wish for

I am reminded of this proverb while I am in beautiful (and no longer burning) San Diego. I think it’s beautiful, as everyone and their grandmother had told me how wonderful it is here. I can’t tell because its dark, a little bit smokey and the people outside my hotel room are loud and obnoxious.

Truth be told, I’m jealous. I would SO prefer the drunk and obnoxious halloween gathering to being in a part of the country I never wanted to see.

When I was younger, and jealous that I wouldn’t get to travel for work, I wanted to go everywhere–except Southern California. This probably has to do with making friends with people from Central and Northern California, but I truly do not care where it comes from. I never wanted to be here, that’s my bloody point.

Now that I get to “travel” for work, I realize that I get all of the shitty parts of the deal with none of the perks. As I understand it, the perks are:

1) The Company Dime. Look, Cook County’s credit rating is so bad that I have to pay for my travel, lodging and registration fees. The County is so delinquent in its bills, nobody is letting us do vouchers anymore; furthermore, I do not have a “Company expense account.” I have a back up credit card that I never use–except for emergencies–that the county will reimburse me in 4-6 weeks time if I file the appropriate paperwork. I’m not sure how many business travelers have to do that, but this system sucks.

2) As I was typing out a list of other perks: Nice Hotels, Business Class Flights, Catered Dinners/Lunches and I realized that those perks are for people who have more degrees, experience or pull than me. Some of it also has to do with the organizer of the conference…so as much as I would love to blame the County, I can’t.

I know why I’m so bleh about this conference: Back home, I have so much going that leaving for a few days feels like cheating. I’ve got Evals, Supervisor exams, case logs, treatment logs and short films to work on. Yes, even the short film is work related–but it has nothing to do with my typical clients or the other serious projects I work on. Work wise, i am swamped.

Socially speaking*, I have time for only a few things every week. I do what I can do to blend activities, but it is taking a lot more energy than I realized.

Also, my book skips 60 pages right in the beginning. I do have a back up book, in addition to a fuck-ton of memo’s I’m supposed to read, but that’s a real downer.

I was telling my brother that I have so much on my plate–good and bad–that it is making my head swim and my tongue thick. Since I can’t really think or speak, I resort to whining over a blog. How very post-modern (and pathetic) of me. Because I am away from my office, I can get some perspective on a lot of work issues, but that’s not helping with the other bajillion things I got going on–

like my fucking plumbing. Fuck.

All in all, this isn’t a vacation. I get to work and study on two topics: Sexually aggressive children AND Probation Poilicy. I get to do this away from my friends and family, which means I can concentrate, but I lack their support too. While I can work at my own pace, to a degree, I am going to have to work my ass off. Given that this is all under my own dime (until I get reimbursed) I am none too thrilled with this prospect.

Nor am I thrilled with the people screaming in the hall way. Christ. I can hear them over Ted Leo. Where’s my cranky neighbor when I need her?!

*She’s only getting a partial mention here, as I’m trying to be witty about my feelings.

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