Ask A Bastard Edition: Condo Question


My cousin Jack, who used to blog, asked this question: Why are you selling your apartment? Isn’t it a historically bad time to do something like that?

We’re selling now because we need to. While there are a number of variables that we could deal with (mortgage rates, dealing with equity, credit cards etc) we need to live simply and save money. Given that we’re working on one income now–and the nature of all of my debts–the best thing to do is cut losses and sell.

Yes, it is a bad time to sell ESPECIALLY if sell at the height-of-the-bubble-values. Given we are selling at market rates, I’m comfortable with the decision. Hell, we get at least six showings a week. Someone is bound to buy the place.

Ask A Bastard: Not Completely Fictious


Welcome, dear readers, to another installment of Ask A Bastard. Today we have three questions.

The Lovely Shannon ask, “What the hell is WTT:RP? How are you going to balance between two blogs?”

WTT:RP is a group blog about my primary hobby these days: World of Warcraft. I will balance this other blog project by working on OPB first and relying on my co-authors to help ensure one post per weekday. Also, I’m participating in the “build a better blog project.” Given that this project is about blogging, and OPB is my primary blog, all of my blogging assignments will start here.

I also plan on increasing my coffee intake.

Lauren, from WTT:RP AND  Something French Sounding
Dear Bastard: Where did my motivation go? How can I get it back?
PS, how many vacuumed cats equal one hour of productivity?

Lauren your motivation has fled to the steppes of Mongolia, to wander with the wild ponies and the famed horse riding conquerors of Asia and Eastern Europe. Sadly, your motivation will not comeback until you have reframed your life to one of War and Conquest. This means the following:

  • You will need to make Paperclip Bows and Arrows
  • You need a fuzzy hat
  • You need to get a My Little Pony Action figure

Now, take your to do list and rewrite at is: “Things I will Conquer Today.” Once you have completed ten items, you may refer to yourself as Khan. You must complete these tasks wearing the fuzzy hat. Anyone who impedes your conquest must be eliminated with your bow. When you need to make a get away, throw the pony at them. Also, don’t be afraid to scale walls. If any of your coworkers disagree with your practices, enslave them.

As for the Cat Vacuum, the ultimate in measuring slacker-productivity, I think 1/4 of a cat equals one hour of real productivity. 1/2 of that 1/4 (so 1/8) is finding a good vacuum. The other 1/8 is catching said cat to vacuum. The rest of that first hour (3/4) is making sure the cat is placated. The cat must be constantly placated to ensure vacuuming can continue. Cat Vacuuming is difficult work.

LazyJade, from Rapture and WTT:RP asks:
“What’s the difference between Chicago Marty and Three Lakes Marty.”

Chicago Marty is wired into the world with an iPhone, laptop and a half dozen different applications running in the background. Chicago Marty attempts to juggle all sorts of projects: Personal, professional and hobby related. Chicago Marty struggles to keep his temper in check and shouts too much when he drives. Biologically speaking, Chicago Marty’s blood pressure is about twenty points higher than Three Lakes Marty.

Three Lakes Marty is calmer and more willing to cook than Chicago Marty. Three Lakes Marty hates phones and will only use an iPod for music. Three Lakes Marty also hates Jet Skis and is willing to entertain terrible ideas to get rid of them.

Three Lakes marty is concerned with tradition and will often pray to the Yaqui Gods Of Wisdom for guidance.

Three lakes Marty is also 50% more like to be hung over than Chicago Marty.

(Chicago Marty is frequently jealous of Three Lakes Marty)

That is all for this edition of Ask a Bastard. Ask more questions and I’ll invent more answers.

Ask A Bastard: Vonnie Edition 2


Vonnie asked the following questions.

Dear Ask A Bastard –
I feel like I might die without my computer. Will I die without my computer? How can I make Best Buy expedite my computer repair? Also, why didn’t you call me to go for sushi? I would totally have done that…..

Dearest Vonnie:
You are experiencing withdrawal. It is worse than death. When the shakes begin, I recommend treating them with strong German beer. You probably have no problem getting strong German beer.

As for making Best Buy hurry up the repair, there is one way to do that. Call them every day. Talk to supervisors. Discuss how they’ve promised to have things done sooner, how they’ve been uncooperative. Also, demand that you get back ups and that they keep you updated.

To your final point: On Saturday, I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to eat sushi, play WoW and work on a short story. I was a crank bastard.

Any additional questions?

Ask a Bastard: Vonnie 101

Last Monday, I promised to answer all of your questions about VONNIE. These answers have been painstakingly researched. I can assure you that they are also 110% accurate.

Kristin and Niall asked one question each:

Niall and I want to know where is the strangest place Von has made “whoopie”


And if Von was a part of the body, what would she be?

The strangest place Von has ever made whoopie was five minutes before the creation of this universe. That’s right. VON comes from the previous universe. Her orgasm not only destroyed the previous universe, but gave birth to ours.

If Von was a part of the body, she’d be the Prefrontal Cortex. She makes, and enforces, decisions.

My long time friend Aerin asked: How did you meet Von?

I met VON in a dream, the only dream I remembered. I was about nine. I was having a dream about Star Wars, as I was want to do, and I was being chased by Darth Vader. Not only did VON kick his ass in the greatest fight scene ever choreographed, she drove me to Japan. From Iowa. I said it was a dream. They don’t make sense.

AG asked two questions: How would Von’s life be different if she had been born one day later than she actually was?


What are her thoughts on g-d?

It wouldn’t just be VON’s life that would be different if she was one day older: All of Creation would be affected. Remember how her organism ended the previous universe and created this one? The Universe would be billions of years older (time is weird like that, look it up). Second, the people of that other universe may have figured out a way to cross over and screw things up for the rest of us. If VON Was born one day later, humanity would be enslaved by Beings from The Other World. Thank the Flying Speghetti Monster that she was born when she was.

As for GD, VON is expressely opposed to Gangsta Disciples. She has no need of gangs. Gangs were formed out of fear of VON.

Mendacious D Asked: I am curious to know how the Tricycle of Awesome was named.

Ask Shannon. I can promise you it involves a nipple or two.

Seth asked: What steps should I take to be awesome like Von

The right combination of amino acids, spiritual growth and pure chance can never be replicated or duplicated. You will never be as awesome as VON. EVER.

A close approximation would be: Find and tame a Narwhal. Ride said Narwhal around the seas. Have the Narwhal pull you on waterskis. Have the narwhal skewer your foes. That’s as close as you could get…and i’m pretty sure you can’t tame a Narwhal. VON Could. She has like three in her back yard.

This one is named Captain NoPants. unicorns

If you have to ask, “How did VON get that Narwhal into her back yard in Chicago” then you truly do not know Von.

Next week, I will answer more of life’s less complex (and less interesting) mysteries.


Ask a Bastard: Tricycle of Awesome Edition


In this edition of Ask a Bastard, we are going to delve into 1/3 of the Tricycle of Awesome. VONNIE. Ask the questions you want to know about VON, and I will provide you entirely factual, well researched, answers.

If you want to know about the Tricycle Of Awesome, ask Shannon. Yesterday, on the way home from the parade, she declared it would be a feature of her blog–so pester her to make sure she follows through.

Ask A Bastard: Fabricated Edition


Another Monday, another series of (fabricated) questions.

Friend and WoW Blogger Anna asks, “What is the greatest cover song of all time?”

Funny, I was just thinking of this question, given the new album, War Child Heroes. This is an album of war protest songs,wherein the original artists hand select the band to do the cover. If you watched the Oscars last night, you would have heard Beck‘s cover of Leopard-Skin Pill-Box hat, originally by Dylan. This is an album I think I need to pick up.

My favorite cover is still Since U Been Gone by Ted Leo. I love the original but I can rock out to the cover 24/7.

Nathan Godfrey, from Shapes without Substance, asks, “Which is better: Sherbert, sorbet, ice cream or frozen yogurt?”

Personally, I’d go with a Tiramisu Gelato. However, since I don’t live in Atlanta, I’d have to go with Cherry Garcia ICE CREAM from Ben & Jerry’s. It’s wonderful.

Tune in next week when I answer of the questions you never thought to ask.