Here at County, we don’t waste your money. Oh no. We skimp on services and infrastructure to make sure that your government is as incompetent as possible–just like you want it.

1) We make sure to buy pens in bulk. These pens don’t work, of course, because documenting our interventions with clients can be addressed in a much simpler fashion: by sending them to detention.

2) Our Voice Mail system is top notch! Why? Because our phones just don’t work. Second generation touch-tone phones that have poor jacks, shoddy handset cables and no volume control. These phones ensure that your important, immediate call will go right to voice mail.

3) Computers. All Probation officers have access to cutting edge 1999 computers or Thin Clients. Rest assured that if the county gets a grant to equip multi-tasking, specialized service units with laptops, we’ll divert the grant money to make sure our REALLY valuable units get them.

4) Bathrooms. Our restroom facilities are the envy of the third world. They may be filthy, without soap or toilet tissue, but they are connected to the sewer grid. We make sure that no county employee would waste time emptying bowels or bladders for fear of MRSA infections

Cook County: Don’t call us. Seriously, don’t call us. We don’t have a working phone and I don’t want you wasting my minutes.

update: lrn2spelnub