Ask A Bastard: Wednesday and Wheezing Edition


I can’t breathe today. Still, I will answer the pressing questions of the day.

VON asks: Why do I hate/abhor/detest female singers?

Maybe it is because the female singers they are pushing these days are not singers so much as they are “entertainers.” It is the objectification of women that you hate, not the female singers.

New-Dad Brando asks: What question would you love to ask but NOT want to know the answer to?

There are very few things in this world that I would not want to know. However, I think the one question I would love to ask but not want the answer to is, “why Hootie?”

Deb asks: Why am I considering moving to an area I don’t really like to make my spouse happy?

I will now bullet point the reasons:

•You are a swell person and will do things to make others happy.

•The places you are thinking about living may not be as bad as you think.

•Your husband rules and he should be happy.

•You maybe more done with Portland than you think.

Aerin asks, “why do friends plan gatherings for the same day? How do you decide which party to go to?”

Because of groups of friends only have one friend in common–you–which leads to massive amounts of problems. Add to this mix the obligatory family holidays and you find yourself driving hours at a time for the same party over and over and over again.

Friend’s don’t do it maliciously; however, sometimes they do it without thinking of others. But that is a different question.

You chose by going to the get-to-gether that you prefer to go to IF you can only do one. We try to spend a little time at each party before retiring. This takes more work, but it often greatly appreciated.

If you really would prefer to go to both parties equally, go to the one that would appreciate you kids more. If, again, they both really want to see your kids, see the people you see less often. Share the love.

The always clever AG asks a number of questions:

First: How do I remove ketchup from a white t-shirt I have already washed and the stain did not come out?
Dry Cleaners.

Second: I also want to know what to look for in a gay bar?
The dance floor. If there is no one dancing, move on. If there is dancing, stay. If there is Erasure, drink mojitos and dance till the sabbath.

Always check Yelp.

If you’re coming to Chicago, I recommend a pub crawl up and around Broadway, north of Belmont.

Most importantly, What does it mean when a guy you like asks if he can join you next week at your synagogue services? He quantifies it with “This may sound weird”.

It means he likes you and he is looking into (first hand) your ideas of faith. This can be a normal date–albeit a bit unusual for a lapsed catholic (at no point have I had a thought about going to Shannon’s church)–but it sounds to me like this is a Very Important Date. This kind of date is equivalent to meeting the core group of friends or meeting the parents.

It is also a damn good sign.

Now I am going to do another round of inhalers. Leave more questions–but next week, I won’t be answering until Tuesday Afternoon. I’ll be chilling with VON and Shannon on Monday in Michigan.

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16 thoughts on “Ask A Bastard: Wednesday and Wheezing Edition

  1. Hope you feel better soon.

    Question for next week – Can people really not handle the truth? (think Jack Nicholso’s quote – ‘The truth? You can’t handle the truth.’ from “A Few Good Men”).

    Also, why can’t the U.S. move to the 6 week vacation like they have in Europe? I would *love* to have six weeks off each year.

  2. I’m sorry – WHAT!?!?! Shannon has a church??!?!? Why am I the last to know everything? THere – my question for next Tues.

  3. *adds a bullet point to the above bullet points, to wit, you can come live in North Carolina where the winters are mild and the mommacows can cook like nobody’s business.*

  4. Question for next week:

    How do you deal with a difficult team member at work?

    What should you look for in a therapist?

    How do you talk to a friend about her self destructive behaviors, so that she can hear it and not hate you after you say it?

  5. My Other question (cuz I”m too lazy to look it up) Is Aldi’s owned by Trader Joes?
    What is that nickname of Chuck’s you forgot to tell me?
    P.S. Chuck is Hot.

  6. the nickname i gave Chuck, the one I didn’t want to share infront of Claire, is Chubby Bitchtits….

    It isn’t a very nice nickname.

  7. I would attest that Chuckles is a handsome man.

    Question: When a man starts to go gray before he is 40, is it acceptable for him to dye his hair?

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