Ask a Bastard: Vonnie 101

Last Monday, I promised to answer all of your questions about VONNIE. These answers have been painstakingly researched. I can assure you that they are also 110% accurate.

Kristin and Niall asked one question each:

Niall and I want to know where is the strangest place Von has made “whoopie”


And if Von was a part of the body, what would she be?

The strangest place Von has ever made whoopie was five minutes before the creation of this universe. That’s right. VON comes from the previous universe. Her orgasm not only destroyed the previous universe, but gave birth to ours.

If Von was a part of the body, she’d be the Prefrontal Cortex. She makes, and enforces, decisions.

My long time friend Aerin asked: How did you meet Von?

I met VON in a dream, the only dream I remembered. I was about nine. I was having a dream about Star Wars, as I was want to do, and I was being chased by Darth Vader. Not only did VON kick his ass in the greatest fight scene ever choreographed, she drove me to Japan. From Iowa. I said it was a dream. They don’t make sense.

AG asked two questions: How would Von’s life be different if she had been born one day later than she actually was?


What are her thoughts on g-d?

It wouldn’t just be VON’s life that would be different if she was one day older: All of Creation would be affected. Remember how her organism ended the previous universe and created this one? The Universe would be billions of years older (time is weird like that, look it up). Second, the people of that other universe may have figured out a way to cross over and screw things up for the rest of us. If VON Was born one day later, humanity would be enslaved by Beings from The Other World. Thank the Flying Speghetti Monster that she was born when she was.

As for GD, VON is expressely opposed to Gangsta Disciples. She has no need of gangs. Gangs were formed out of fear of VON.

Mendacious D Asked: I am curious to know how the Tricycle of Awesome was named.

Ask Shannon. I can promise you it involves a nipple or two.

Seth asked: What steps should I take to be awesome like Von

The right combination of amino acids, spiritual growth and pure chance can never be replicated or duplicated. You will never be as awesome as VON. EVER.

A close approximation would be: Find and tame a Narwhal. Ride said Narwhal around the seas. Have the Narwhal pull you on waterskis. Have the narwhal skewer your foes. That’s as close as you could get…and i’m pretty sure you can’t tame a Narwhal. VON Could. She has like three in her back yard.

This one is named Captain NoPants. unicorns

If you have to ask, “How did VON get that Narwhal into her back yard in Chicago” then you truly do not know Von.

Next week, I will answer more of life’s less complex (and less interesting) mysteries.


4 thoughts on “Ask a Bastard: Vonnie 101

  1. This may be the Nyquil talking, but I am less concerned with how she got the Narwhals into her backyard, as I am with how she plans to get them out. The Narwhal Export Tax is quite steep, ever since AIG went under the ice.

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