Ask a Bastard: Two Hours Till Deadline, Punks


I apologize for the lateness. It was a busy day in the office. Let’s get to the life-changing answers:

AG asked: What should I look for in Kathleen?
First, with a name like Kathleen, look for her Irishness. Secondly, look for her eyes. If she is shifty-eyed don’t trust her. Never trust the shifty-eyed.

Kathleen asked, “what should I look for in a bar?”
There is one thing you need to look for in a bar: Its Jukebox. If you don’t like the music on the jukebox, the bar sucks. If you enjoy the jukebox, then look at the booze selection. Decent music can cut the sting of bad booze, but bad music kills the best buzz.

For all of my readers–an example of a kick ass jukebox can be found here. Come by on wednesdays–I hear the normal bar maid on Wednesday is hot.

Lauren asked, “Is it ever going to be spring?”
The Midwest has started to thaw. I have seen two clear indicators of spring: a robin AND Women have gone from wearing UGGZ to Galoshes. Spring is coming–and it will be here before we get any dragons.

Chuckles’ asked the most serious question thus far, “Am I incapable of love?

Yes. You are capable of love. I can answer that unequivocally. Even if I didn’t know you, my answer would be the same. Very few people in this world are actually incapable of love–In my line of work, I’ve only met one kid who was so detached from his humanity that he was incapable of any emotional state except depression and rage– but all of us have a bad run with it.

I could take you through the various understandings of love, including the ones the Catholic Church taught us in the fifth grade. I’m not sure that is what you need or want. What is it you expect and is it realistic? Why do you expect love to be the way you think it will be?

Love isn’t always Kittens and Taffy Apples. Sometimes it is all about cleaning out old, scary hand-me-downs that you have no idea what to do with. Instead of cleaning, most times we put our things in a box and store it somewhere. These ideas you have about love may be just that–stuff you should have thrown out a long time ago.

Carlos asked the following, “Why oh why, do I always wait to go take a piss until my bladder is 150% full?”
It is a sign of manhood to see how long you can hold your urine. We also have another annoying habit of seeing how long and far we can pee. I think you are just attempting to prove your cajones. My friend, you need not prove your manliness by holding your urine. Pee when you get the urge!

Finally, VON (who doesn’t have a blog but needs one) asks the most difficult question: Why are people, specifically women, so evil and predisposed to talking shit about others all the freakin’ time. Why? Why, bastard, why?

I can answer this with a modified joke that my dad told me when I was working on my Northern Ireland project when I was a sophomore in high school. “Why do women talk shit and fight amongst themselves? Because there is no one else worth fighting.”

I believe it is an over-inflated sense of competition that has filtered its way down from…well from somewhere. I honestly believe that some folks don’t even know they’re doing it until they’ve said too much to stop.

We should continue this discussion when you get your own blog.

Come back next week when I answer even more of your important, burning* questions.

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*Carlos, if you’re burning, go see a doctor. They can treat that with antibiotics.

11 thoughts on “Ask a Bastard: Two Hours Till Deadline, Punks

  1. First of all, Von — get a DAMN blog, girl! It’s kewl. Everyone’s doing it.

    Two, no K-Unit is a cutie, but not like MY Von.

    Third, next monday? Are you turning into a pumpkin then?

    Chuckles is totally incapable of love. Not like Dexter, but it’s true. It’s largely because of the way he goes about it. Consider the Muppets and mahnamana — or however you spell that. He’s cute and all and we love him. However, it’s the yelling “Union” in Wal-Marts on first dates that get him into trouble. It’s his passion for things that women today don’t understand. I mean AG understands it, but it’s always the women who are taken who get his zest for life and see that as ‘potential hot sex too!’

    The good news is that his disease is only temporary and with some AG Dating Guide for Nerds review, he can overcome his obstacles and make it all happen.

    Lastly, I am disappointed in K-Unit. I was hoping she’d ask what to look for in a vibrator or a husband. Largely because she just cost me, ME, an effin’ diamond ring. AG might be a feminist — but I WANT that 3 carat diamond ring. It’s owed. To AG. Yes!

  2. AG – no, my most favorite, I am NOT turning into a pumpkin by next monday. I just wanted to be clear this was more a question for you than for next Monday’s “ask a bastard” segment. I would be a pretty awesome pumpkin though.

  3. Dear Bastard,

    Why does my husband have the uncontrollable urge to shout “seagull” at the offending birds?


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