This is Post #297 for those keeping track at home.
1) Why do I have to put up with a guy who offers nothing to my boyfriend, who my boyfriend thinks is his friend and a good person (He’s not!)? Shouldn’t I be allowed to not be bothered by their BS or get a veto point on five friends over the course of his life?
2) How long should a couple date before it’s time to bail because there is no ring coming forward?
1) You don’t have to put up with the guy. You shouldn’t have to be bothered by his BS; however, he is your boyfriend’s friend. Until the boy either 1) comes around or 2) the Other Guy wises up and treats AG the way she should be treated, I don’t advise trying to put a wedge in between them. Veto points can be that very wedge.
There is a lot more i would need to know to give the most accurate advice I could. What’s the issue with The Other Guy? Is he a dick to AG? Is he stupid? Does he just not click with you? What is the relationship with The Boy and The Other Guy? Are they friends, best friends, herto-life-partners or just a little bit in love with each other? What does the Boy say about him?
I have been in the situation wherein my SO (Canuk) tried to keep me away from a few of my friends. AG is no Canuk–however one should be very careful of using Canukian methods to reach their goals. AG is much better than that.
Out of respect for The Boy, the Other Guy should be super nice to you. In return, you should tolerate the Other guy. This doesn’t mean go to his house or attend his parties. It means if he was on fire, you should call the fire dept. If he was hungry, you should point him towards a McDonalds.
More deets, more answers.
2) When a couple starts talking about marriage, the clock is officially running. That talk shouldn’t honestly occur until both people are reasonably certain that they’re ready. Sometimes booze does the talking sooner that you’d like. Sometimes its simply grief or loss. I’m familiar with the latter, not the former. Make sure you talk about it when you’re ready.
Anyway, If there are non concrete plans in place within a year of the initial talk, its time to say, “Hey, we were talking of marriage. Where are we?” Discuss what is BS and what is honest to god fear. Then go ring shopping. I am aware that the Ring should reflect the taste of the bride; however, help the boy figure out the perfect ring. Another bit of advice: I would say up to 1 year after ring shopping together is a good mark for a “state of the relationship talk,” wherein you reestablish the timeline.
Carlos asks: Is that OPB doing the robot that I see?
Yes. I think I’ve redefined it as the Rusty Tin-man.
Jess asked: Did you wear sunglasses at night?
No, I left them in my car.
Lewis asked, So Crockett, where’s Tubbs?
He was in the Delorean
If I missed any questions, repost them here and I will answer them TODAY!
Technorati Tags: Advice, Advice Column, Ask a Bastard
Dude, you have to correct my their typo. It makes my eyes bleed.
I agree with both points. There is a limit to what anyone has to put up with in a relationship that crosses through the boyfriend.
I will ask a question next week. I’m curiosity free today.
I have more details on the friend’s BF. I spoke with my friend last night and she gave me details on your question. More to follow…
Next week’s question: Why does Burger King’s Whopper taste so divine and hurt so bad on my thighs? What is the meaning of this dichotomy?
Dude. Crockett and Tubbs drove a Ferrari, not a Delorean. (Actually it was a fake Ferrari body on top of a Corvette chassis IIRC…cheaper than continuously wrecking real Ferraris, y’know.)
Your answers to AG’s questions were awesome. I would submit, however, that if she REALLY doesn’t like the Other Guy, if he’s hungry, she can point him to someplace under a Mickey D’s on the food scale. Do you guys have Crystals up there? White Castle maybe? I’d say Taco Hell, but he might like that as drunk food.
I have to disagree with the Bastard here. Old friends come before new men or new women. If you are the new person in the relationship, then civility and politeness can lead to friendship and trust with the new other’s friends. Good friends are the true test of a new love. If you can’t get along with your new other’s friends, that does not bode well for the success of a long term relationship. Like the Spice Girls said, “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”
In rare cases, a new other’s friends will just be shitheads but that is a good sign that the new other is a shithead too, or else why would they be friends?
As for the second question, if you are in love and committed to spend the rest of your life with someone, why bother conforming to outside pressures to formalize a relationship in some society’s definition of marriage? Sure, legal matters are important and should be attended but the whole event of a marriage ceremony and a ring, which symbolizes ownership, seem to be rather archaic and sexist to me. Be your own person, shed the demands of outside forces on your relationships and let you define your life.
Amen, Chuckles, Amen to all that you said (this time)
VON, you and me straight to the moon and out of the suburbs.
I don’t know what that means either.
Chuckles, I agree with the bastard. My friend has a new boyfriend and his female friend is disgusting to my friend. She is just plain awful to her. After reading what OPB, she felt much better and decided to mention it to her boyfriend. He also agreed that it is an issue.
Also, I think it’s the duty of a friend to shut up. I have had friends who dated folks I wasn’t in love with. However — I shut up. It was just easier! Easier.
I disagree, AG. Sure it is easier to just shut up and watch your friend move in with a horrible, manipulative, cobag of a person, but if you really care for your friend, you have a duty to them. Having a calm conversation with a friend can allow them to see things from a different view and break off destructive relationships. However, you generally only get to have that conversation once. If you harp on and on about how this other person is so horrible to your friend then you will only drive them closer together. After that one chance, your best bet is to be available for your friend and give them the freedom to see the awful parts of their relationship on their own and to help them move out or get legal advice, whichever is necessary.
However, if you are dating someone and just sorta never get along with their best friends, then maybe you should shut the hell up and acknowledge that while you may never like these friends that does not necessarily mean that they are bad for your girl or boyfriend. Or maybe you aren’t right for him/her. There are different levels of friends: associates, crews, pals, buds, bros. Other people may use different terms but we all have hierarchies of friends. Our choice of closest relationships will often say more about us than our choice of underwear.
Many therapists and psychologists will talk about how there are more than two people in a couple. We all carry our friends and family and exes around in our heads. We are never truly alone. It would be wise to acknowledge this more.
Chuckles, that is your opinion and I agree with Marty and that is the advice I have given my friend.
Sometimes in life, walking away is not only the easier thing, it is the right thing.
Walking away certainly is easier than opening your mind.
Chuckles, I am not going to engage someone who needs to fight just to feel better. And if you re-read my quote, and took your attitude down a notch, it might make better sense.
I wish you a blessed day and a better attitude tomorrow.
Where’s the love guys? We need to unite against jejune trolls, not each other. Now lick each others faces and make nice.
Old friends and new friends, out of respect for their mutual friend, need to be able to put their differences aside. If they cannot, this puts Mutual Friend in a dangerous spot. When put into the context of a romantic relationship, we have an even bigger problem.
I cited Canuck in my original post. I did not cite my parents. My dad’s best man was one of his best friends. They had a falling out over my mom. Shortly after my parents were married, my dad’s best man was never heard from again.
Now, there is a huge difference between Canuck and my mom. Canuck is an emotionally abusive, very hurt woman. My mom was damn near saintly. The fact remains that there was a conflict between them and my dad chose my mom–for which I am ever grateful.
My point is still this: Out of respect for the mutual friend, both parties have to respect each other. A solution can be reached.
As for point two, implicit in the question was the desire for a ring and marriage. I’m going to go out on a limb and state that people who read this blog have considered marriage, cohabitation as well as other partnerships, and have decided that they know what form of partnership they desire. Given the context of the question, I stand by my answer.
Now, lets get along. Failure to get along will require me to rewrite Marvin Gaye’s classic lyrics with something asinine and insipid.
Or you could simply link to Jack Black’s brilliant version from High Fidelity.
Ceremonies and the trappings that go along with them can have the meaning that you put on them. For my husband and I, there was no thought to ownership or any of that.
Instead, the ceremony was a way for us to publically commit to relationship.
I have a question for next week.
Is it appropriate for a significant other to still use the pet name of their ex when referring to said ex?
Marty, The Dad was good people. Gooood people.
Shannon, I say yes. There was once a time when UC said to me, Well, I see you are getting better about the Architect not calling him “the asshole” anymore.
Best. Day. Ever.
When googling Patrick Gleason, be sure to look for Chicago Area Public Defenders. If you just click on the first few, you find a porn star.
My question for next week: Why do people who treat others well get shit on, while those that are assholes get second chance then third chance then fourth chance then fifth chance etc? Why can’t I treat people like assholes do, so that my friends will treat me better? (Ok two questions.)