Ask a Bastard 3: Vacation Edition


Itanya asked:
Why does my husband have the uncontrollable urge to shout “seagull” at the offending birds?

The answer, dear Itanya, is simple–he wants you to buy him this book. I have read this book. Between you and me, I think it is stupid; however, this is what he wants.

VON (who still doesn’t have a blog and STILL really needs one) asked
HOw can I stop myself from rolling my eyes at, like, everything??
You have two solutions here–you can stop rolling your eyes or you can hide the fact that you are rolling your eyes.

If you work on the former, you have to work on taking people seriously, especially stupid people. If you take everything they say as gospel, then your chances of rolling your eyes is reduced. One thing that I try to do is think of them as priests (or nuns) and imagine that I am in grade school again. If I display any sort of disrespectful behavior, they’ll hit me and condemn me to hell.

That typically doesn’t work for me. I don’t scare as easy as I did back then.

Another way is to just concentrate on something *really* serious and pretend to listen. When the person that makes you want to roll your eyes, say something like “I hear you. Do XYZ.” When they turn around, roll your eyes.

However, I think the easiest solution is to hide the fact that you are rolling your eyes. VON, I think you need to rock your inner Diva and start wearing sunglasses inside the building. Complete your image by calling everyone Darling. Start smoking with a giant filter. Wear heels. Then you can roll your eyes with impunity and get a make over.

There we go dear readers. Three weeks of answering questions–even when I’m on vacation. That’s just how much I love you.

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8 thoughts on “Ask a Bastard 3: Vacation Edition

  1. I thought you were going to suggest Von close her eyes while rolling them. But I see now that is too simplistic and tedious. Thanks for opening my eyes (so to speak) OPB.

    ps. what about bars that don’t have jukeboxes?

  2. Kathleen- I live to serve.

    As per your question, I feel I should give you this answer now: If the bar has live music–and it sounds good to your ears–stay. If not, get the hell out of there.

  3. Um, Shannon will probably smack you upside the head for suggesting I start smoking again. Remember? I am an Ex-smoker of the recent variety. 8/25/07. I might take up the other ideas though, Darling. Although I kinda bristle that you insinuate I need a make over…..

  4. As announced in the comments of my bloggirlcrush AG, Keep an eye out for Von for Now at blogspot. Currently under construction, but coming soon to a computer screen near you. If I can figure out how to set it up. Argh.

  5. Bloggirlcrush, indeed. Von is super duper awesome.

    AG was not informed of the question polling being open this week.

    AG’s question:

    Why do some people have innie belly buttons and some have outties?

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