An Aside from Politics

My downstairs neighbor, in addition to having super-human hearing, has in her possession the worst temperament of any city dweller I have had the misfortune of knowing. Considering I know murders, rapists and high ranking gang bangers, I believe this should carry a certain amount of weight.

She has complained to me personally, about the noise, on one occasion. She asked if the floors were insulated because, “she could hear EVERYTHING.” I told her that they passed inspection. Twice. She has called to complain for me:

Walking on my floor too loudly.
Listening to my iPod on the balcony.
“too much bass”–this one I can’t argue with.
Watching the BBC Office at 2 am.

I have not had a party in my place in three years, because of her temperament. I used to have fantastic little parties. Now I have a fantastic bill with my condo association. I guess that is acceptable, since she is a fantastic example of cranky-middle-aged-under-sexed Cobags. I don’t talk to her, except to say hello, and I keep trying to keep the noise down to mouse levels.

Last night, she cornered me in the elevator. I had my laundry with me, she had a box full of candy stolen from the mouths of screaming children. She proceeded to tell me she was at her Wit’s End with the noise. When i politely suggested that we shouldn’t talk about these things, since we don’t get along, she threatened to take me to the board.

The board–imagine a council of old cranky rich folk. That’s who she’s going to take me to. That’s awesome. I propose that I get to drag her self-important ass to a room full of my peers–or maybe What Not To Wear–and have her judged by my standards. I believe that I would win my case in front of 30-something, broke, liberals who have lived in the city for most of their adult life.

I think my neighbor should apply for a position with the FBI or NSA. She’s got super-human hearing, a strict, rules minded disposition and she has no qualms about getting up in someone’s face at 11:30 at night. Her hatred of all things good and nice (and me) makes her the perfect tool for oppression.

I could totally godwin this rant, but I won’t.

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3 thoughts on “An Aside from Politics

  1. OMG!!! You totally have to move!!! This lady sounds like a certified nut job! Maybe you should send her a gentlemen caller so she can get the webs cleared out. (I know way gross). Seriously Marty! She is stalling you from living for crying out loud! I hear Logan Square is a good place to buy…. We miss u and want parties. So therefore tell this lady to shove her stupid face up somepne’s IBS ass and hit the road. Hope u had fun in Boston!!

  2. I had my laundry with me, she had a box full of candy stolen from the mouths of screaming children.

    LOL. (laughing in a sad way for you)

    I’m sorry you live above such a witch. What a pain she sounds like.

  3. I bet she is blaming you for someone else’s noise. You should request that she present evidence of noise. She must provide date- and time-stamped recordings of all this noise. If she really wants you to comply then the burden of proof is on the prosecution, not the defense. Kindly remind her that this is the United States of America and that if she wants to pursue this matter, then she should really provide evidence of any malfeasance.

    Still, ten bucks says that she is unfairly attributing another neighbor’s noise to you.

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