Last week sparked a lot of controversy. Sweet. This week, I answer more questions:

Von’s asks, My question for next week: Why do people who treat others well get shit on, while those that are assholes get second chance then third chance then fourth chance then fifth chance etc? Why can’t I treat people like assholes do, so that my friends will treat me better? (Ok two questions.)

I can image a lot of reasons why people who treat others well get treated like shit–one of the big reasons could be sincerity. If one has a reason to doubt the sincerity of a kind word, one probably will doubt it and treat someone poorly.

That being said, I believe there is a perception in our culture that kindness is a weakness. People who are “nice” are “nice” because they don’t have the temerity and strength of character to be assertive with others. At some point in our development, we go from treating other’s with kindness to a sort of hyper-individualism. In this scenario, Assholes are treated better because, on some level, we want to be more like them. Assholes get respect while those who are kind get treated poorly (typically by assholes).

To make matters worse, we get mixed signals on how to address these hurts. Sometimes we are told to let it go, sometimes we are told to mend fences and others we are told to treat each others how we are treated, instead of how we want to be treated. When I run my treatment groups, I constantly struggle with getting the kids to realize that how they respond to being hurt is why they are in group in the first place. To an individual, my clients believe that fighting is the way to clear up even the smallest misunderstanding.

In our society, the Asshole (or Jerk, or Bastard) is given a higher place than the peacemaker.

Von, I think you need to chose who is worth your friendship. Those who are worth are the ones who you are willing to talk to about why they upset you. I know this isn’t as easy as it sounds; however, it is the thing to do. Point out, nicely and assertively, the concern, the hurt and why it hurts. If a dialogue begins because of those statements, run with it. Think about it before you take it to heart–but think about it honestly.

As to the second question about why you can’t treat people badly–I’m sure you can if you try a bit harder. Would you be able to sleep at night if you were an ass to everyone around you?

Personally, I have a hard time sleeping when I’m a jerk to people who need to be told off. I also bet that I am not alone in this situaiton. It is not the telling off that is the problem–it is the way in which I do it.

Honestly, I believe that everyone–even people that make me physically ill–need to be treated well. It is only human to flub up and treat someone poorly. We, as people, should strive to do better than that. It is a difficult pill to swallow. I frequently screw up and rant about how I want to do (or say) X, Y or Z to some cobag. Certain times, I believe that that is acceptable and reasonable, as long as it is a measured and equivalent response. Striking that balance isn’t easy, but it is something to strive for.

So, Von, you could treat someone badly, but that does not mean you are guaranteed better treatment for it. Besides, we should try and do better than that–even if all we want to do is destroy those who annoy us.

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Shannon asks, Is it appropriate for a significant other to still use the pet name of their ex when referring to said ex?

No. Pet names and most terms of affection are off limits when the relationship changes. IF the relationship is good, then occasional terms of endearment are okay once placed in the new context–but on the whole it is not appropriate.

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The World’s Most Adorable Girlfriend asks, Why does Burger King’s Whopper taste so divine and hurt so bad on my thighs? What is the meaning of this dichotomy?

This is a minefield question AG.

You’re talking about global food resources, body image, our fast food nation and the philosophical implications at (and between) each post. That is a lot to think about.

First, realize that the Burger is bad for you. It may taste good, but that is probably due to the chemicals slathered on the poorly treated beef. The chemicals in the burger will be with you for a very long time, well past AG’s WheelChair Race Days. Your body is processing the processed food the same while I process my paperwork–store it until I know what to do with it. At least I can throw my paper out…

AG is beautiful and should not concern herself with what the BK does to her things–however, she should worry what that processed junk does to her health.

That being said, I had a veggie burger at BK today. It was passable.

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Keep the questions and the controversy coming!

Technorati Tags: Advice, Advice Column, Ask a Bastard, Food, Controversy

This is Post #297 for those keeping track at home.

AG’s questions:

1) Why do I have to put up with a guy who offers nothing to my boyfriend, who my boyfriend thinks is his friend and a good person (He’s not!)? Shouldn’t I be allowed to not be bothered by their BS or get a veto point on five friends over the course of his life?

AND

2) How long should a couple date before it’s time to bail because there is no ring coming forward?

1) You don’t have to put up with the guy. You shouldn’t have to be bothered by his BS; however, he is your boyfriend’s friend. Until the boy either 1) comes around or 2) the Other Guy wises up and treats AG the way she should be treated, I don’t advise trying to put a wedge in between them. Veto points can be that very wedge.

There is a lot more i would need to know to give the most accurate advice I could. What’s the issue with The Other Guy? Is he a dick to AG? Is he stupid? Does he just not click with you? What is the relationship with The Boy and The Other Guy? Are they friends, best friends, herto-life-partners or just a little bit in love with each other? What does the Boy say about him?

I have been in the situation wherein my SO (Canuk) tried to keep me away from a few of my friends. AG is no Canuk–however one should be very careful of using Canukian methods to reach their goals. AG is much better than that.

Out of respect for The Boy, the Other Guy should be super nice to you. In return, you should tolerate the Other guy. This doesn’t mean go to his house or attend his parties. It means if he was on fire, you should call the fire dept. If he was hungry, you should point him towards a McDonalds.

More deets, more answers.

2) When a couple starts talking about marriage, the clock is officially running. That talk shouldn’t honestly occur until both people are reasonably certain that they’re ready. Sometimes booze does the talking sooner that you’d like. Sometimes its simply grief or loss. I’m familiar with the latter, not the former. Make sure you talk about it when you’re ready.

Anyway, If there are non concrete plans in place within a year of the initial talk, its time to say, “Hey, we were talking of marriage. Where are we?” Discuss what is BS and what is honest to god fear. Then go ring shopping. I am aware that the Ring should reflect the taste of the bride; however, help the boy figure out the perfect ring. Another bit of advice: I would say up to 1 year after ring shopping together is a good mark for a “state of the relationship talk,” wherein you reestablish the timeline.

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Carlos asks: Is that OPB doing the robot that I see?

Yes. I think I’ve redefined it as the Rusty Tin-man.
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Jess asked: Did you wear sunglasses at night?

No, I left them in my car.

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Lewis asked, So Crockett, where’s Tubbs?

He was in the Delorean

If I missed any questions, repost them here and I will answer them TODAY!

Technorati Tags: Advice, Advice Column, Ask a Bastard