Monthly Archives: March 2008

I apologize for the lateness. It was a busy day in the office. Let’s get to the life-changing answers:

AG asked: What should I look for in Kathleen?
First, with a name like Kathleen, look for her Irishness. Secondly, look for her eyes. If she is shifty-eyed don’t trust her. Never trust the shifty-eyed.

Kathleen asked, “what should I look for in a bar?”
There is one thing you need to look for in a bar: Its Jukebox. If you don’t like the music on the jukebox, the bar sucks. If you enjoy the jukebox, then look at the booze selection. Decent music can cut the sting of bad booze, but bad music kills the best buzz.

For all of my readers–an example of a kick ass jukebox can be found here. Come by on wednesdays–I hear the normal bar maid on Wednesday is hot.

Lauren asked, “Is it ever going to be spring?”
The Midwest has started to thaw. I have seen two clear indicators of spring: a robin AND Women have gone from wearing UGGZ to Galoshes. Spring is coming–and it will be here before we get any dragons.

Chuckles’ asked the most serious question thus far, “Am I incapable of love?

Yes. You are capable of love. I can answer that unequivocally. Even if I didn’t know you, my answer would be the same. Very few people in this world are actually incapable of love–In my line of work, I’ve only met one kid who was so detached from his humanity that he was incapable of any emotional state except depression and rage– but all of us have a bad run with it.

I could take you through the various understandings of love, including the ones the Catholic Church taught us in the fifth grade. I’m not sure that is what you need or want. What is it you expect and is it realistic? Why do you expect love to be the way you think it will be?

Love isn’t always Kittens and Taffy Apples. Sometimes it is all about cleaning out old, scary hand-me-downs that you have no idea what to do with. Instead of cleaning, most times we put our things in a box and store it somewhere. These ideas you have about love may be just that–stuff you should have thrown out a long time ago.

Carlos asked the following, “Why oh why, do I always wait to go take a piss until my bladder is 150% full?”
It is a sign of manhood to see how long you can hold your urine. We also have another annoying habit of seeing how long and far we can pee. I think you are just attempting to prove your cajones. My friend, you need not prove your manliness by holding your urine. Pee when you get the urge!

Finally, VON (who doesn’t have a blog but needs one) asks the most difficult question: Why are people, specifically women, so evil and predisposed to talking shit about others all the freakin’ time. Why? Why, bastard, why?

I can answer this with a modified joke that my dad told me when I was working on my Northern Ireland project when I was a sophomore in high school. “Why do women talk shit and fight amongst themselves? Because there is no one else worth fighting.”

I believe it is an over-inflated sense of competition that has filtered its way down from…well from somewhere. I honestly believe that some folks don’t even know they’re doing it until they’ve said too much to stop.

We should continue this discussion when you get your own blog.

–
Come back next week when I answer even more of your important, burning* questions.

Technorati Tags: Advice, Advice Column, Ask a Bastard

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from: Shannon

opinions?

Technorati Tags: Graphics, Logo

First, thanks to the readers who left comment-questions. I appreciate it. What I need now is a graphic for this feature; therefore, I will be asking readers to come up with an actual JPEG graphic for Ask A Bastard™. The Winner will receive a CD, “World’s Greatest Covers Vol. 1″. People who submit a design will receive praise and good karma.

Everyone wants good karma.

Anyway, on to the questions:

First, Torteya asks:

I was gonna ask where I can go to watch people beat other people but I guess I no longer need to.
Is beatings-voyeurism wrong?

Beating Voyeurism is not typically “wrong.” People pay money to watch other people get beaten all the damn time. Football, hockey, boxing, Ultimate Fighting–beating voyeurism is a part of human nature. The voyeurism becomes wrong when the context of the beating occurs. When the beatings aren’t consensual, the beat downs are bad. For instance, if you see one person kicking the ever-living-shit out of another, and it isn’t a boxing ring, just standing around and watching is bad.

When the object of the beat down is a living thing and cannot assert consent (eg: a dog) the beat down is wrong.

To recap: Consent to beating means it is okay to watch. Coolio?

Moving on we have TWO questions from my favorite VON:
There, TheMarty, a question to be answered next Monday?
Why yes, VON, A question and an answer. We’re on a roll!

AND

Why do people get sick more often when the weather changes? Or is it just me. I have to go cough up a lung now.

Von,

It has been my experience that people get sick when the weather changes because of the effect that the air has on our lungs. Case in point: I have had asthma since I was 5, and every time the seasons change, I have to use my inhaler more frequently. In my specific case, the colder air irritates my bronchial tubes, increasing mucous production and giving me that sexy wheeze that keeps Shannon up all night with worry. The transition between seasons also brings on more allergens, such as molds and pollen, that also make your lungs try to leap out of your chest in revolt.

I recommend wearing scarves until spring and avoiding dairy products until the seasons stabilize.

And last, but certainly not least, is the talented Ms. Z

Why do I always lurk without leaving comments?

Sharon,

If I didn’t know better, I would say that the reason why you lurk is because you are too shy to leave a comment. We both know that is patently false. I suspect that these days you lurk because either: I am saying something that is not interesting or you are too busy to write something that is a testament to your wit. Since we are both liberal arts kids, we can agree that the answer is somewhere in the middle.

There you have it folks: The second installment of Ask a Bastard. Keep the questions coming–they may help me study for the GRE.

Technorati Tags: Advice, Advice Column, Ask a Bastard

Four regular readers submitted four interesting questions. This his how a bastard answers.

Shannon asked: “Why do you beat me?”
Dear Shannon,

Let me direct you to the above link. This “fabricated” picture is a case of your well-documented temper. I have seen this face when I have played WoW for too long or I didn’t have dinner ready in time. The fact is, you beat me. But, most readers of this blog will agree that you are wonderful and I have the beat downs coming.

Question Two was submitted by Will: “Why don’t you beat me?”

The bastard answers:

Dear Will,

Back in college, when you would jump on my back, I would accidentally end up hurting you by throwing you onto the floor. One could argue that back then, I did beat you.

These days, I don’t beat you because you are too damn good at Halo. I counter with this question: Why do you like beating me?

Question Three was Submitted by VON: How do I meet a man (who will beat me)?

Dear Von:
Please keep reading my blog.

Question Four (and the answer to question three) was submitted by Chuckles: “Where does a man go to beat a person, when said man gets tired of beating himself?”

Charles, VON. VON, Charles. Let the spiral of abuse begin!

Email me or leave a comment for next weeks’ installment of Ask a Bastard.